I miss you. It’s been a while since we last spoke but I want you to know that you are always on my mind.
I know you’re hurting. You feel defeated and let down. But I want you to hang in there. I do not know if things will change or promise you that you’ll never feel this way again. But you’re not alone in all of this. I feel your pain. I feel your humiliation. I feel your shame. I hear you cry. I see your hopelessness. And I’m sill here. I’ll always be here.
I don’t know the cure to your dilemma. But you must not question your abilities. Never. You can think Kiki. You can speak. You can listen. You can write. You can smile. You can buy your own food and pay your own rent. Most importantly, you can empower others to do the same.
Why can’t everyone see what I see? Surely, you and I both cannot be wrong? I know you’re smart and intelligent and hard working. I know you’ll never take advantage of someone to get what you want. I know you’re compassionate enough to care when things don’t feel right. But we both know none of that matters. In the end, people see what they want to see. They will hear what they want to hear. Because they made up their mind about you a long time ago. When they saw that you were different from them. The wrong skin colour. The wrong gender. The wrong nationality. The wrong religion. The wrong attitude. The wrong life. They’re scared of you Kiki because they don’t get you. They feel threatened by you because you march to the beat of your own heartbeat.
I know you’ve always struggled to find the right balance between human relationships and listening to your heart. Most people lean towards one or the other. And so they end up either being very successful but lonely or surrounded by people but feeling insignificant. In trying to find the right balance, you feel so far away from both don’t you? If you had to make a choice Kiki, what would you choose? Do you know? Do you want to know?
I read somewhere that the cause for all unhappiness is the longing desire to have more. Think about it Kiki. You’ve come so far. Yes, you’re tired and exhausted from the journey. But it could’ve been worse. What if you failed at everything you ever tried to do? What if every time you failed, you went back to ground zero and had to start all over again? But that’s not true Kiki. You succeed at five attempts and fail at two, so you’re still three up from when you started.
I know what you’re going to say. Sometimes you fail because you make mistakes which you will learn from. But what if you fail because even though you did everything right, someone set you up to fail because you were “different” or because they didn’t like you? What do you learn from that?
Someone told me recently that you cannot worry about the things you cannot control. So what will you do Kiki? Will you just accept your fate that you cannot control certain things and must hence be ok with the outcome? Will you avenge this injustice and punish the people responsible and hope that you come out of it vindicated and unscathed? Or will you make another attempt and hope for a different outcome because no one will care that you’re “different’? Notice that in both scenarios, you cannot control the outcome Kiki. You can do either of those things hoping for the outcome you wish with no guarantees.
I’m not trying to say your pain isn’t justified Kiki. Or that you don’t deserve to be sad and unhappy. You are entitled to those feelings and a lot more. Just because your life is so much better than millions of others, doesn’t mean you should be ok and content with the bias and injustice you go through. But we try so hard to please the people who don’t like us, we forget there are others who might embrace us. Why do you want to work for people who will never accept or celebrate your abilities? Why do you run away from relationships with people that get difficult because they’re different from you? You do get to a point where you have to ask yourself if the struggle is worth it. If the job you’re fighting for is worth it. If the people you’re fighting for are worth it. If the cause you’re fighting for is worth it.
I’ll never stop rooting for you Kiki. You know i always root for the underdog. And you’re my favourite underdog. I don’t want you to dwell on all the things that went wrong in your life. Yes, you’ve been a victim. On many occasions. But you cannot let that define you or break you. You will get through this. Just like every other time. And you will come out wiser and stronger and more at peace with yourself. Keep looking over the horizon, towards the brightness, and you will find your own footprints ahead of you. Because you’ve been here before. You didn’t stop. You didn’t turn around. You kept going.
Not matter what you decide to do, I will support you and understand your reasons. And I promise I will never abandon you again. You will hear from me again. Soon.
With loads of love,